crybaby

i realized we have a big crybaby in our house these last months, and it’s me!  this morning i’ve been feeling sorry for myself because i’m still a little congested, ella is coughing up a storm and had a bad runny nose, and blah, blah, blah.

then driving to my office i realized: shut up, you’re pathetic.  the list of reasons for me to be pissy lately would be laughable at best or rage inducing at worst to anyone with real problems.  and really what is this self-pity and melancholy about?  i think it’s about the very thing that walt mueller was here talking about last weekend:  narcissism • the love of self.  i’ve getting mopey because i don’t get to do what i want when i want to as much anymore.  waaaaa!

it’s time to suck it up and realize that it’s not about me, my way and my agenda. life has changed in overwhelmingly good ways in the last 5 years but it means i’ve needed to change along with it.  sometimes my changing and acceptance of the changes has lagged very far behind. when i look at it, i have no real problems in the bigger picture.

a wonderful and loving wife • healthy and energetic little girl • job • house • faith • a God who opens my eyes to my stupidity • friends • and on and on i could go with what God has handed me despite myself.

the things that matter, my soul, my faith, my family, my wife are things that endure over these little bumps and i need a major attitude adjustment.  no here is the hard part, changing my outlook so that i stop living like a crybaby and start living like someone who’s got the hope of Christ living in them.

it’s go time!

pax:  ty

6 months tomorrow

it’s so very hard to believe that our little ella will be six months old tomorrow.  it’s also hard to believe that it wasn’t that long ago that i was single and had not met dawn. [yeah i know it's 4 1/2 years but it doesn't feel that long]

the pace of life is kinda a blur now and although it is so very good, there are some days where it’s just been feeling like you’re watching it go by without participating.  with dawn teaching, me trying to get everything done in 4 days to take care of ella on fridays and then just trying to be a family together, the blur factor has really hit hard.

i’m happy that dawn loves her job and that ella is doing well at day care, but there is a part of me that would like to go back 50 years to a time when there wasn’t a need for two breadwinners in the house and that one of us could be home with ella all the time.  and yes, i would prefer that to be dawn!  but life is very different now and the ability to cope with it and adjust to it is necessary.  and all the time working on making sure that my two girls get some of my very best time, love and attention.

happy half birthday ella!

ella the tiger’s fan!

pax: ty

joy, tears and timebombs

so we have had ella home now for a week today!   what an incredible amount of joy this precious little girl has brought to our family already.  it’s even strange saying the word family because even though dawn and i were a family all along, the addition of ella has added so many new dimensions to that word.  pretty cool.  as new parents we are being psycho [in actually many ways] about each smile, burp, facial expression, poo and other thing that she does.  i’m snapping a million pictures and we’re both in awe of what God does in making little ones.

but there have been tears too!

with all of the emotions running so high taking care of something so fragile [actually not as much as we think but we don't know any better yet!] we’ve both been on edge and tears have come much easier lately.  and it’s not just dawn.  i’ve cried holding her, cried about live, cried about dumb stuff and been ok with it all.  i learning it’s a part of how i’m wired to be a dad i guess.  and it’s a good thing.  being tender for my wife and for my daughter shows them a deeper kind of love, a different expression of strength and lets them know how much i care about them dearly!

and then the timebombs…

i start getting an impending sense of doom after dinner each night.  the closer the clock gets to 9 the more i get stressed and anxious.  why, you ask?  sleepy time for ella.  actually, not putting her down.  she does that ok.  it’s the staying down that she needs to learn how to do.  bath, nurse, wrap, rock and paci and she “SHOULD” be good to go.  but she’s still flip flopped days and nights so she’s not with the plan yet [or maybe it's we who need to realize it's about her plan?]  anywho, most nights have sucked from a sleep and stress standpoint.  it’s like we are laying in bed for a bomb to explode each night.  it all starts with a few whimpers and then escalates rapidly to full on eardrum shattering wailing of an unhappy newborn.  the timebomb has been happening from her inability to calm herself, sleep, dirty diaper or whatever else she’s not happy about.  the timebomb has happened at every hour of the night and has been pretty consistent as far as every night.  it’s a phase, i know, but wow does it take a toll on you fast and deplete every energy reserve you had stored up.  oh, and i’m back to drinking caffeine again.  in coffee, pop and whatever else.  shoot, i’d even sprinkle it on food it it would help!

the nice thing is that last night, i got nearly 6 un-interupted hours of sleep.  i didn’t hear dawn get up at two so i was out from about 10 to 4 last night and then out again from 4 to 5:30.  that’s about 7ish hour of sleep!

and then when the light of day comes.  this little precious beast will turn back into being nothing but precious.  until dinner time.

when the countdown begins again!

pax: ty

ps.  we’ve put more pictures on the flikr page…

http://www.flickr.com/photos/uthpstr/

she’s perfect!

after our 5 day doctor check-up, ella is perfect in every way that they can tell.  she gained back weight and weighs 6 lbs 8.5 oz.  they said they haven’t seen a 5 day old look this good in a long time!  we’re so incredibly excited and blessed.  add to that a night with much less crying and fussing [by daddy too!] and some ability to sleep in spurts and you have a very good day today.

it’s amazing to see her and not keep thinking that God does the very best work and put his fingerprints all over her.  anyone who thinks there is no God is a fool!  creation, birth and the world around us is far to marvelous and wonderful to not see him clearly in it all.

pax: ty

shrinking world

there have been several significant moments in my world in the last few days since ella’s birth.

the one i’m thinking about right now is how my world just shrank considerably.  i doubt it’s permanent, but for the moment it’s very tangible.  this house, and our living room to be more precise, is our world for the time being.  it’s a very strange feeling.

not that dawn and i were people that were out on the town all the time or go getters who were heading off to the gym, jogging, visiting friends or a number of activities.  but there was a level and sense of freedom and spontaneity that existed even if we didn’t take full advantage of it.  there were also just the two of us, who could easily take care of ourselves or the other one. and when we did we did it because we got to, not had to.  that’s a loving, fun way to live.

right now, that’s all gone.  not bad, but gone.  ella matters, dawn matters, our family of three matters and every thing beyond that is blurry and out of focus. not only do we “get to” take care of ella, we have to or else she wouldn’t make it. we still have to figure out what parenting means, how not to make life-threatening mistakes, routines for a newborn [if possible] and what it’s like to care for each other when we have to focus on caring for ella’s survival.

weighty thoughts but not oppressive.  but when you couple it with a small crowded house and dreary, rainy day, it’s definitely a new feeling and experience for my life.

and that’s a good thing!  so would be some sunshine too.

pax: ty

eating my words

ok, so i  want to state it officially…

there was no place i would have rather been than with dawn having her c-sections while having ella!

i thought i would be squeamish, i thought it would be too messy, i thought i would pass out.  but it was great and i couldn’t imagine being anywhere other than being right by her side. it’s right where i was suppose to be and it didn’t phase me.  granted i didn’t see much of the icky parts, but God was good and kept me from freaking out and kept both of us calm all morning.  i even manned up and cut ella’s cord!

so i’m eating my own words, happily!  not it’s time to go see my girls.

pax: ty

ella pictures and video

you can check out our little one at…

http://www.flickr.com/photos/uthpstr/

it’s been a really great day today hanging with dawn and ella.  i got to hold my little girl a lot!

pax: ty

heaven help little ella…

everything is great this morning.  happy mommy, screaming hungry baby…

…and a few thoughts are running through my mind.

first is i’m overwhelmed at how precious, wonderful and beautiful my little girl is.  as i look at her and hold her, i’m amazed at how perfect she looks and how much love there is for this tiny little peanut. no regrets whatsoever that i didn’t get a boy.  not for a moment.  she’s more than i could have ever hoped for.  i prayed that she would be healthy and not ugly and she is so much more than not ugly, she’s amazingly beautiful.  because of this joy and wonder and love for her, it leads me to he next two things i’m thinking!

caring for her.  in a way i feel sorry for her because i will be a very concerned, protective and cautious daddy. this comes from a very loving yet nervous and dare i say “overprotective” mother.  it’s not that i couldn’t do anything, but mom usually ran a bit twitchy and cautious.  ask any family member about the time i was tied to a tree at age 5 so i wouldn’t wander off into lake tahoe. anyhow, i think i will now just start to understand why mom was like that and it was based on love.  i know i will be watching her like a hawk!  where are you going? who are you going with? will the parents be home? all of these questions will be common phrases in ella’s life!

protecting her will be huge too!  this is the kind of protection that might go to that deep, dark and ugly place inside of me if someone does something stupid with my little girl. what came to mind last night were the creeds, “you make my daughter cry, i make you bleed!” or “try and touch her and you’ll be pulling back a bloody stump!”  i have an uncle willis that had a talk with every boy that ever went out with my cousin doreen.  she loved dating, was a great person to go out with, lots of fun, was great at conversation but definitely not someone that would be naughty dating.  even though doreen would never have done anything dumb, uncle willis still met every boy and took them for “the walk” around the neighborhood before they could go out.  the talk on the walk was basically, you touch my daughter in a way that i wouldn’t appreciate, you lose a most precious body part.  i now can identify with that sentiment and will be looking for that good balance between dangerous and slightly crazy dad to put the “fear of God” into any boy that would even think about making a poor choice with my daughter.  i love how bill engvall the comedian puts it when he talked about his daughter and what he told boys. “i’m not afraid to go back to prison.”  because if my daughter is hurt, my life means nothing to me and you better run!

maybe this isn’t so pastoral, but there is the sensation of protection for this vulnerable and precious little girl that now is my job to watch over. sorry if that offended anyone, some of this is in jest, but the love and care that my emotions are full of right now also bring with them a healthy dose of psycho dad protectionism.  and i’m ok with that! just remember: don’t mess with my little girl, ever!

pax: ty

welcome ella faith hogue…

ladies and gentlemen, i have the honor and privilege to present to you for the very first time…

ella faith hogue

she is 6 lbs and 6 oz and 21 inches long.  she’s completely perfect and beautiful.  dawn is doing very well considering she’s had a c-section this morning.  actually she’s dozing off holding the baby.  it’s really unbelievable now that dawn and i are parents!  this little life is in our hands.  wow!

pax: ty

the burrito has been consumed!

so, we are testing a local legend tonight.  the crazy horse chicken fajita burrito has been consumed by dawn.  lore and legend say that it induces labor. we’ll see if it’s true.

it was consumed by dawn at 5:45 pm eastern daylight savings time on monday, april 13th, 2009.

let the countdown begin!

pax: ty

ps. we also have a dr.’s appointment tomorrow morning that might tell us real scientific information.