hard to admit
as much as i don’t want to admit it, and it’s hard for me to say, here it is.
i feel jealous and sometimes inadequate when i know kids from my church and youth group are involved or connected or just check out another youth group.
i don’t blame them for going where their friends go. ultimately i think it’s cool that there are many other ministries reaching out in the name of Christ. intellectually it’s cool with me becuase i know we have students from other youth ministries that come to our stuff. i know it’s not about competing with any other youth pastors in town. but still, sometimes i have a real hard time getting past my own junk.
i start to doubt myself, my call, what we are doing, why i bother, if i’m doing the right thing, what’s the point and so on and so on and so on.
i know is shouldn’t, i can and will rationalize it away, but for now, it’s still here with me and it will always play to my worst self doubts. and maybe there is some truth to it too? i know we can’t be all thing to all students. i know not every youth group can do everything. but i just wonder what it takes some days. ministry to students is changing at such a rapid pace and students seem to be changing and busier too. i just don’t know the answers anymore. [like i actually ever did!] but i just don’t get it sometimes and tonight is one of those nights where i don’t.
is it just my church, is it just our ministry, am i missing something, blind to something, or just downright clueless?
i really like our students and for the most part don’t think they don’t like me, but where are they? what has happened to all of them. if it’s me, then it’s time for me to leave. if it’s Christ and his message they don’t care about, then what? if it’s our methods, what needs to change?
but with over 80 to 90 high school students that go to our church, what’s going wrong when 12 actually show up and two of them are visitors from the anchor?
i thought we were one the right track with liveCHRIST, but is every week just going to have be a service project or game night to get students to come out? and even then, those who show up are pretty sparse. i just can believe it’s only business that keeps them away. i just don’t know anymore.
hmm… looks like another sleepless night again in self pity and self doubt. oh joy!
ps. i know this may seem strange after the post from just a few days ago. i can get like that. you know, the up and down rollercoaster kind of thing. remember, i work with students and am my own worst enemy!
pps. hey, i know! i’ll work with post high or adults. they’re easier and more responsive, right?