things the baby needs to know about mommy

so with the baby about three months away, i was thinking of some things i should let the baby know about mommy that would be beneficial to their future survival in the house.  so here are some of the things i can think of that will make their transition into our home easier and more productive…

• mommy loves ice cream.  she can eat it three meals a day if i let her.  so if you’re ever in really big trouble, bring out the ice cream.
• tickling is bad.  if mommy is tickled relentlessly she will start to kick with considerable force and not care if anyone is in the way or not.  also, with relentless tickling, she tends to stop breathing and you must let up a bit to let her catch her breath.  best tip, don’t tickle mom.
• cuddling is a big plus.  hopping up on mommy’s lap and snuggling in will get you far.  it’s kinda hard for daddy to snuggle on her lap because i’m a bit too large and tend to crush mommy.
• mommy procrastinates around the house.  so that means that we all have to pitch in to help clean up after ourselves, do laundry and help with meals.  it’s actually a good thing because it means everyone works to get things done and we get to cook what we like too.
• chocolate.  the darker the better and combines very well in the ice cream category.  on the upside is that there will usually be some kinda chocolate in the house.  the downside is that if you have chocolate stashed in your room, mommy will probably sniff it out and take it.  then, she’ll probably lie about taking too.  mommy is not quite perfect.
• scrapbooking.  this could be a whole post. i pray you are a boy because then all you have to do is once in awhile look at her progress.  if you’re a girl, we’re going to go broke.
• hot showers are usually long for mommy.  this means cooler showers for us and more time getting ready before we go places.  if you wind up being a girl, it will mean daddy better get used to nothing but cold showers.  if you’re a boy, it means i’ll have someone to hang with while we wait for mommy.
• games.  mommy [and daddy] loves to play games.  the farming game will be one we play a lot.  mommy likes to think she rules at this game, but daddy usually kicks her butt.  she does however usually win at racko and scrabble and loves it because it frustrates daddy because of her ridiculously unbelievable luck in those games.  not skill, but luck.  and oh, btw, don’t play mommy in monopoly. she cries when she looses so just stay away from the game.
• books will be something you will be surrounded with.  your mom already has books she’s been saving for years to read to you, give you and she’ll be excited about introducing you to her favorite authors.  we’re going to have a real problem if you’re a boy because daddy’s going to have a hard time with you reading anne of green gables and the little house on the prairie books.
• movies. this category will depend on if you’re a boy or girl.  if a girl, you’ll love mommy’s selection of chick flicks and old time movies.  if you’re a boy you can come downstairs with me and play my old xbox and watch my old war movies.
• vacation will rock with mommy and daddy. it will consist of camping, hiking, fishing, museums, historical sites, national parks, road trips, historical markers, civil war sites, railroad trips, model train stores, scrap-booking stores, historical museums, historical forts, books and visiting family.  you may want to start thinking of friends you can go on vacation with as soon as possible.
• lots of love. you will be unbelievably loved by your mommy [and daddy]. she has a huge heart, loves to laugh, will sit for hours and read to you, play games with you, be very patient, sneak you off for ice cream and be the best mommy you could ever dream of.  we don’t eat fish, aren’t really crazy about veggies and you’ll always be very, very loved.

well, that’s about it for now.  so learn and remember these and you’ll be just fine.  in case you’re wondering, daddy is amazingly cool and much more normal than mommy. i’ll be going to the basement to work on my model train now.

pax: daddy [ty]