there have been several significant moments in my world in the last few days since ella’s birth.
the one i’m thinking about right now is how my world just shrank considerably. i doubt it’s permanent, but for the moment it’s very tangible. this house, and our living room to be more precise, is our world for the time being. it’s a very strange feeling.
not that dawn and i were people that were out on the town all the time or go getters who were heading off to the gym, jogging, visiting friends or a number of activities. but there was a level and sense of freedom and spontaneity that existed even if we didn’t take full advantage of it. there were also just the two of us, who could easily take care of ourselves or the other one. and when we did we did it because we got to, not had to. that’s a loving, fun way to live.
right now, that’s all gone. not bad, but gone. ella matters, dawn matters, our family of three matters and every thing beyond that is blurry and out of focus. not only do we “get to” take care of ella, we have to or else she wouldn’t make it. we still have to figure out what parenting means, how not to make life-threatening mistakes, routines for a newborn [if possible] and what it’s like to care for each other when we have to focus on caring for ella’s survival.
weighty thoughts but not oppressive. but when you couple it with a small crowded house and dreary, rainy day, it’s definitely a new feeling and experience for my life.
and that’s a good thing! so would be some sunshine too.